Where to begin?

“Looking back, I understand that I was being called by spirit to reevaluate everything that I have held onto in my life…”

This is what I have asked myself over and over again. Where to even begin? How to catch up when so much time has passed, but I simply cannot ignore the fact that I had been gone from socials for over a year, and to just come back smiling and resume as if nothing had ever happened, would be a lie. Just another lie to myself, that further takes me away from my truth. Which I have vowed to myself to uphold to.

Since over a year ago, I went through one of the hardest, most brutal times in my life. It was so unbearable, that I could barely find the strength and reason to live. I was severely depressed and there were months on end, where the only thing I thought about every single day was dying. I couldn’t find a reason to live, in my mind I couldn’t find the strength to keep going. I was a walking ghost, unable to feel anything, numb, there was only emptiness. Nothing to give from..

My mind was in a constant battle, and my body didn’t even want to move, there were days I couldn’t even get out of bed, not to mention a chronic fatigue, which I have never experienced before. I wanted to scream but nothing would come out. Silence. I felt blocked, paralysed. Alive but Dead. Stuck in a limbo, unable to move forward. Same thoughts same feelings every day, in and out. 

The only thing that forced me to get out of my bed every day was my animals and my husband, and the responsibility I have for them. I couldn’t care less about myself, but they needed me. So I had to go. Put on a fake smile and here we go. 

Isn’t that interesting, I had more responsibility for them, rather than myself. I felt like a victim of my own life. Unwilling to recognise that the most sacred responsibility we have in this precious life, is to take responsibility for ourselves. And I was fighting really hard against it.

I kept my interaction with the outside world down to a bare minimum. I didn’t feel like sharing myself even to my closest friends and family. My husband was the only witness to my reality, and without him I don’t think I would make it through. He has been and continues to be my true safe heaven. But deep down I knew I had to go through this battle alone, and it took me six months to even start searching for help. However, once I found it, the real work began.

And you may be asking, well what happened that got you to this place? And if you asked me then, I would tell you there was nothing, absolutely nothing, my life on the outside looked completely fine. But looking back, I understand that I was being called by spirit to reevaluate everything that I have held onto in my life, all the beliefs that I have formed, the dream that I have been chasing, and the fears that kept haunting me with it. All my childhood traumas that wouldn’t leave me alone, kept creeping into my mind, unwilling to keep me alone, until I allowed them to have a voice. 

And my God, that child within me had a lot to say.

So the most important chapter of my life began, the journey of healing…